He Has A Plan

I've been holding off writing about this for awhile, but right after Christmas, we found out I was pregnant!  We were so happy and excited, cuz we had been trying for quite awhile.  We didn't tell anybody because we feel like we need to wait until after the 1st trimester or "scary part" is over.  (I've already had 2 miscarriages before, so that's why it's the scary part.)

Well, a couple weeks went by and I hadn't felt sick or nauseated at all, which is not normal for me.   I wasn't tired at all either, which also isn't normal.  So I had a hunch that something wasn't quite right.  So I took another pregnancy test and it still said that I was pregnant, but I just couldn't let myself get fully excited about it.  Hadley convinced me that I was just lucky this time and this was going to be the best pregnancy ever.  So for about a week I believed that, and carried on with everyday life.  We started thinking about baby names, and how we were gonna arrange the bedrooms for the kids, etc.  Then I started spotting. (If the word spotting grosses you out, then you should probs stop reading.)

Spotting isn't that abnormal for me during pregnancy.  I spotted all throughout my entire pregnancy with Jeter.  But I decided to finally go into the doctor and just make sure everything was ok.  I went. The doc said things looked normal so I went back home feeling a little relieved.  Two more weeks go by and I started bleeding a little bit.  I went back to the doctor, and they confirmed my fear.  I indeed had another miscarriage, at 9 weeks.  So now I've had more miscarriages than I have kids.  Ugh.

I have debated whether I wanted to write about this, or even tell anybody about it, or just tuck it away in my own little mind so I don't have to talk to anyone about it.  I finally decided to, because I don't keep a journal, but I do try and post things that are going on in our life so that I can look back on our experiences. I also never wrote anything about my previous miscarriages, and wished that I would have. I don't want to forget my feelings and thoughts on this particular matter and what we went through at this time in our lives.

 So aside from dealing with all the aftermath of having a miscarriage (bleeding, lots and lots of bleeding), talk of a D & C, infections, cysts, and wearing what I call "diapers" for way too long,  I felt sadness, fear, and disappointment.... at first.   I still kinda wonder if something is wrong with my body to make this keep happening.  But as I prayed and heard Hadley's prayers go up in my behalf, I felt so much better.  Hadley's been so supportive and good to me during all this. It's kinda frustrating to not be able to plan out our lives how we want, but I am so grateful to know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us! I know that I would way rather have Heavenly Father's plan than my own, and when or if he wants us to have another child, it will happen.  (Which will probably be when He knows that I can handle Jerzi's freakish fits and a new baby.)  These miscarriages are a constant reminder to me that He is in charge of our lives.  I am so grateful  for the 2 kids that we do have.  My family means everything to me in the world, and I feel so lucky to have them now, more than ever.